He was sweating like a paedophile at a Wiggles Concert
Glenn McLeish

A dedicated Trade Unionist was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets 80% and the girls get 20%." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get 80% and the house gets 20%." "That's more like it!" the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "Sorry, sir," said the Madam, gesturing towards an 85-year old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."
Anon

"I've been up all night" means "During the night, something woke me and it took a few minutes to get back to sleep".
Anthony Williams from his latest best seller How to speak Wife

Camping? Is that when you stay in a four star hotel?
Anthony Williams

"I've lost everything!" means "I've temporarily misplaced some minor thing".
Anthony Williams from his latest best seller How to speak Wife

"You're a hooker!" means "You've momentarily borrowed some inconsequential item of mine". (To "hook" something: To "steal" something).
Anthony Williams from his latest best seller How to speak Wife

"I wish you hadn't got rid of that bed" several weeks after telling me to get rid of the old bed in the junk room. (In Wife "you" means "I", "up" means "down" etc)
Anthony Williams from his latest best seller How to speak Wife

"They put me on horse tablets" when asked how her doctors visit went. Means "I was prescribed tablets larger than others".
Anthony Williams from his latest best seller How to speak Wife

How do I sleep at night? Soundly between sumptuous 400 thread percale sheets by Pierre Balmain on a posturepaedic king size bed with a companion whose loveliness would make you weep with desire.
Anthony Williams

I haven't had my eens yet - My caffeine, nicotine or codeine.
Angela Challies

I have so much no money
Angela Challies

Let's not let evidence get in the way of a good misconception.
Ruth Wajnryb

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies:
 
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.