"I can never remember jokes" she said. So I killed her. Bookmark
this page as it's regularly updated. That might save your life.
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Here is a bunch from my favourite comedian Steven Wright:
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
We had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it... and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colours were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel. They sent me a wakeup letter.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller girls?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?